Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
