2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
