Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize