The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
