remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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