I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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