Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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