I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Hippo gnu deer
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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