Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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