The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
