Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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