Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
