Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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