after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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