He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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