I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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