Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
