Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
