you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
