I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
