I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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