Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
