apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
