Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
