Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
this is an emotional support booty call
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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