my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
