I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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