Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
