all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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