Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
