The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
