Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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