I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
