I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize