i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
