no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
