just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
