Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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