I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
