made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
