KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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