How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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