I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
