how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
