Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
