LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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