She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
