I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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