girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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