My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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