I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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