He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
