I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
