At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
