I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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