Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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